To Begin

I'll preface all of this blog by saying this: I am not suicidal. I've never been suicidal. And unless I say something like "I have a plan for suicide", I'm not considered suicidal.
Thats not to say that I don't think about death. Its tempting. Not the whole committing of the act or the message that it would send, but that I imagine it would be like sleeping once its done. And I love to sleep.
But its the how to do it that I get hung up on. Then there's the aftermath. Of course, if a person is that serious about suicide, they don't think about that part. And I don't blame them. But I have three people/creatures that I couldn't stand to put through that. But more on that later.

You'll find that the majority of this blog will be unrefined, very much stream of consciousness, since that's how it comes out in my head. Normally, I'd be OCD about sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, the like. But here, I'll let it pass.

Details on me and my depression:
I was offically diagnoised with a Major Depressive Episode in August of 2003. In January of 2004, I decided to start anti-depressants. I was lucky that the first one I tried worked for me, and that it was covered by my medical insurance. I lost my job, and subsequently my health insurance, in March of 2004. A small while later I started a drug study. I got the meds I needed and got some money too, which helped. Through the doctor at the study facility, my diagnosis was upgraded to Major Depressive Disorder since my depression had lasted longer than the episodic designation was meant to. The study lasted for almost 20 months, until I had health insurance again. Through my insured mental health provider, my diagnosis was modified again to Dystemic Disorder, which is a mild form of MDD, but I belive that the providers did not take into account the improvment that anti-depressants afforded me. Again I lost my health insurance and was left to my own devices. I found another drug study facility, and have been treated by them in different studies and after care services since Spring of 2007.