Heres a little bit of background about me:
I'm now in my late 20's.
I was married at 21.
I was divorced at 23.
I live at home again.
I've dropped out of one 4-year college.
I have taken just about as many credits at the community college that they'll let someone take.
I have little to no desire or drive regarding my future.
So thats where I am today. I'm trying to get into an accelerated BA program for working adults. Before doing that, I need to get outlines of some of my community college courses, but they were taken so long ago, that the new ones won't cover it. For the last two weeks, I've been trying to get a hold of department heads, office administrators, transfer counselors, etc. So far, I've got 4 of the 5 covered. I sent off a new batch of emails again last night, and this morning got a new round of "Here's where to download them" and directions to get the current ones only. I'm sure that I was very, very clear and explicit in my email. These are people who are supposed to be intelligent.
So I start thinking: Even if I get all this paperwork, the college I'm trying to get into may not even count all of this. Then thats longer before I get my degree. Even if I get my degree, what the hell am I gonna do with it. Almost any job that requires a BA, also seems to need some type of drive to succeed. And I just don't have that. All I really want is to be able to live without needing, but here in California, that means making more money than I have the drive for.
Its not that I want to live with my dad for the rest of my life, but how am I supposed to afford to live on my own? Houses keep getting bigger and more expensive. Even with the "housing crisis", most places are too expensive to even consider on entry level salaries. Apartments? In California, the law states that a tenant must prove a monthly income 3x the amount of rent. Somehow, I don't think that any entry level job will earn me enough to work within 45 minutes of said job.
And thats just right now. How about when I graduate in Fall 2010 or Spring 2011? It just seems so far off and that things will only get worse. Even if the economy technically gets better, that means that prices will go up again.
I just feel screwed no matter what.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
To Begin
I'll preface all of this blog by saying this: I am not suicidal. I've never been suicidal. And unless I say something like "I have a plan for suicide", I'm not considered suicidal.
Thats not to say that I don't think about death. Its tempting. Not the whole committing of the act or the message that it would send, but that I imagine it would be like sleeping once its done. And I love to sleep.
But its the how to do it that I get hung up on. Then there's the aftermath. Of course, if a person is that serious about suicide, they don't think about that part. And I don't blame them. But I have three people/creatures that I couldn't stand to put through that. But more on that later.
You'll find that the majority of this blog will be unrefined, very much stream of consciousness, since that's how it comes out in my head. Normally, I'd be OCD about sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, the like. But here, I'll let it pass.
Details on me and my depression:
I was offically diagnoised with a Major Depressive Episode in August of 2003. In January of 2004, I decided to start anti-depressants. I was lucky that the first one I tried worked for me, and that it was covered by my medical insurance. I lost my job, and subsequently my health insurance, in March of 2004. A small while later I started a drug study. I got the meds I needed and got some money too, which helped. Through the doctor at the study facility, my diagnosis was upgraded to Major Depressive Disorder since my depression had lasted longer than the episodic designation was meant to. The study lasted for almost 20 months, until I had health insurance again. Through my insured mental health provider, my diagnosis was modified again to Dystemic Disorder, which is a mild form of MDD, but I belive that the providers did not take into account the improvment that anti-depressants afforded me. Again I lost my health insurance and was left to my own devices. I found another drug study facility, and have been treated by them in different studies and after care services since Spring of 2007.
Thats not to say that I don't think about death. Its tempting. Not the whole committing of the act or the message that it would send, but that I imagine it would be like sleeping once its done. And I love to sleep.
But its the how to do it that I get hung up on. Then there's the aftermath. Of course, if a person is that serious about suicide, they don't think about that part. And I don't blame them. But I have three people/creatures that I couldn't stand to put through that. But more on that later.
You'll find that the majority of this blog will be unrefined, very much stream of consciousness, since that's how it comes out in my head. Normally, I'd be OCD about sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, the like. But here, I'll let it pass.
Details on me and my depression:
I was offically diagnoised with a Major Depressive Episode in August of 2003. In January of 2004, I decided to start anti-depressants. I was lucky that the first one I tried worked for me, and that it was covered by my medical insurance. I lost my job, and subsequently my health insurance, in March of 2004. A small while later I started a drug study. I got the meds I needed and got some money too, which helped. Through the doctor at the study facility, my diagnosis was upgraded to Major Depressive Disorder since my depression had lasted longer than the episodic designation was meant to. The study lasted for almost 20 months, until I had health insurance again. Through my insured mental health provider, my diagnosis was modified again to Dystemic Disorder, which is a mild form of MDD, but I belive that the providers did not take into account the improvment that anti-depressants afforded me. Again I lost my health insurance and was left to my own devices. I found another drug study facility, and have been treated by them in different studies and after care services since Spring of 2007.
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